I had a bit of a breakdown last night. I think it was a combination of lack of sleep & the First Day (wink, wink) I couldn't sleep & all I could think of was how hopeless I felt & how I was failing my kids. Wondering what we had done to be punished so harshly & all the things I missed. It was a bad spiral that ended somewhere around 4:30am when I finally fell asleep.
I got up this morning kind of just when through the motions of my day. Did my cardio. Went to Livvi's basketball game, came home did laundry blah, blah, blah... Nothing too exciting. Then we went to Life Group & something happened. I need to veer off for a minute..I'll come back to this soon!
I don't remember if I've mentioned this before & I'm too lazy to look. So if I'm repeating myself with this, I apologize.
I was raised Catholic. There was no choice in the matter, never really thought about it. Got married in the Catholic Church. My kids were baptized in the Catholic Church. It was just something I did. Now, I did not attend church on a regular basis. Really only for holidays or if I was with my parents. I did not think about religion, didn't pray, didn't think about my relationship with God. If I went to church it was out of obligation only. When we moved here to Indy, our cousins asked us to go to their church with them. Sice it was on my list of "Things I Want To Change About Our Family" I decided to go & give it a shot. I had no clue what I was in for. This was a Non Denominational church. It's massive too. So many people! I kind of liked it, kind of not. It's so different than the Catholic rituals I was used to. Then something interesting happened. My kids asked to go to church! They liked it & wanted to go. This was so odd to me. I, as a child, never wanted to go to church. It was such a chore! Then something else happened. Something the Pastor said meant something to me. What?? I got something out of church? That was totally new! I started to want to go, it wasn't a chore any longer. It was also really nice to go with the cousins. To know we were going together was cool. They soon started to discuss this Life Group thing. Now, this scared me! All I could think of was uber religious people who would shove God down our throats. I almost didn't sign up, but I did. I was so nervous the first meeting. To my surprise they were normal people. A couple former Catholics in there too! Really, just people like us. Some in the same boat as us. These people, over 6 weeks, became good friends to us. This was my first "aha" God moment. God knew we needed this group (and I mean all of us needed each other) he brought this particular group of people together for a reason. It's the first time I ever remember feeling blessed by God.
So back to our meeting tonight. It's our first since the holidays & we started a new lesson, I think it's called. It's another 6 week course called "The Best Question Ever" It's about asking yourself, when faced with a decision "Is it the Wise thing for me to do?" Not whether it's ethical, legal, moral or harmful, but if it's wise. The jury is still out if leaving the business in NJ behind & moving out here to Indy was wise...I think it is or will be in the long run anyway. But that really isn't what I wanted to talk about. In listening to the other members, hearing their struggles, hearing about God's intervention into their lives, listening to my husband voice his doubts & hopes, I felt a sort of peace. First there was sadness, for all we've lost & given up & I struggled not to cry. But then there was peace. It was sort of like someone said to me "don't worry, I got this" I have to have hope & faith through all this God does have it for us. That He does have our back & will provide. This message came through at the exact time I needed it to. I have been praying nightly before I go to sleep, when all is quiet & there are no distractions. Now I need to listen too