Saturday, January 29, 2011

Camping out just like brother

Well, maybe not just like him since he's outside in the cold whereas Jax & Livvi are cozy in the living room

Friday, January 28, 2011

Ambitious reading tonight. Jax wants to read all of them!

A Better Day

I'm tired of feeling so crappy all the time, so I'm doing something about it.  Yesterday I applied for 2 jobs & have an application to fill out for a 3rd!  Hopefully one of them will come through.  They are all retail jobs, but at least it's money coming in.

Today I made myself get up earlier than normal & got my workouts done.  Cardio & lift today!!  Then I actually took a shower did my hair & put makeup on.  Haven't done that in a while.  I normally just take my shower & let my hair air dry.  I don't go anywhere so why bother?  I haven't been going out anywhere at all.  I'm kind of isolating myself in the house with Rod & Jax.  I don't want to waste the gas to go anywhere, so I don't go.  It's not healthy.  

Today Jax, Livvi & I went to the library.  We had fun picking new books out to read & Jax picked a movie too.  Then I found a McDonald's gift card that had money on it!  So we stopped & had lunch & they had a play place so the kids played too.  It felt so good to be out.  I feel hopeful again.  

Jax is laying on the chair watching his new movie right now, he just told me he loves me & thanks for the movie Hearts  He's adorable.  Ty is getting ready to go camping for scouts, Livvi is excited for a Ty free weekend!  I'm gonna get some laundry done & snuggle a bit with Jaxie.  

It's been a better day

Cardio & lift done! Feeling good

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Workout part 1 done. Now the lift!

A New Day

Yesterday was a pretty bad day. Had to do something I never thought I would & it sucked. Lots of tears yesterday. My eyes still ache from it.

But today has been far. The woman I met in the mall, Ami, came over with her son, John, to play. The boys got along wonderfully!! Better yet Ami & I got along great too. Conversation flowed & it was never weird! We clicked. She also opened my mind a bit about a possible career that I thought I was maybe too old to learn. I will investigate a bit more now!

It's funny how yesterday I felt awful & today I'm pretty good. Need to play cars with Jax for a few minutes then gotta do my workout!

Jaxie waiting for his friend to come

Monday, January 24, 2011

Some Days

Some days it's a struggle to be happy, to find something, anything to be grateful for. Today is one of those days.

I started this blog in such a positive place. Things were finally looking up for us. Felt that for the first time in a long time we would be ok. Now I'm back to that insecure place. I almost wish he never got that job. It was like a tease. It's worse now, I think. 10 months is a long time to be in this stressful place. I know that others have it worse off I know things could be worse for us. I want to be more positive & hopeful I just don't know how exactly. It just sucks having to tell your kids you can't afford things they are used to getting like new books. I feel like I'm failing Jax by him not being in school & home with me all day. I know I'm not doing enough. I'm tired all the time & sad.

I will keep praying. I will do my best to be happy & positive. I will look at this as a massive life lesson.

Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end



Sunday, January 23, 2011

Made It

Well we made it through another week. That's about it. I keep wondering when this is going to end. I'm tired of it.

During a Colts rally a couple weeks ago Jax met a little boy that was his age. I decided to step outside my box & give her my contact info & see if we could get the boys together. She decided I'm not a stalker & contacted me! So this week hopefully we can get the boys together to play. Jax really, really needs a friend here.

I also decided to make a vision board. Going to read some more about it & do it this week. I need to get some positive energy in my life. Everything seems so negative these days. Something has to change! Also gonna apply for sone jobs this week. Not qualified to do much unfortunately. But making some money is better than none!

Jax wants OREOS!!

Download now or watch on posterous (9326 KB)

Monday, January 17, 2011

Playing airplanes with Jax

Trying something different

60 min cardio keeping my heart rate between 120-125bpm

A Quick Vent

I'm a bit frustrated right now. I work out I eat well & I gained weight this week. So aggravating!! I need to remember that I'm doing the right thing & I will lost the weight if I continue on the path that I'm on. I can't give up!! Off to do my cardio now.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Another Day

I had a bit of a breakdown last night.  I think it was a combination of lack of sleep & the First Day (wink, wink)  I couldn't sleep & all I could think of was how hopeless I felt & how I was failing my kids.  Wondering what we had done to be punished so harshly & all the things I missed.  It was a bad spiral that ended somewhere around 4:30am when I finally fell asleep.

I got up this morning  kind of just when through the motions of my day.  Did my cardio.  Went to Livvi's basketball game, came home did laundry blah, blah, blah...  Nothing too exciting.  Then we went to Life Group & something happened.  I need to veer off for a minute..I'll come back to this soon! 

I don't remember if I've mentioned this before & I'm too lazy to look.  So if I'm repeating myself with this, I apologize.  

I was raised Catholic.  There was no choice in the matter, never really thought about it.  Got married in the Catholic Church.  My kids were baptized in the Catholic Church.  It was just something I did.  Now, I did not attend church on a regular basis.  Really only for holidays or if I was with my parents.  I did not think about religion, didn't pray, didn't think about my relationship with God.  If I went to church it was out of obligation only.  When we moved here to Indy, our cousins asked us to go to their church with them.  Sice it was on my list of "Things I Want To Change About Our Family"  I decided to go & give it a shot.  I had no clue what I was in for.  This was a Non Denominational church.  It's massive too.  So many people!  I kind of liked it, kind of not.  It's so different than the Catholic rituals I was used to.  Then something interesting happened.  My kids asked to go to church!  They liked it & wanted to go.  This was so odd to me.  I, as a child, never wanted to go to church.  It was such a chore!  Then something else happened.  Something the Pastor said meant something to me.  What??  I got something out of church?  That was totally new!  I started to want to go, it wasn't a chore any longer.  It was also really nice to go with the cousins.  To know we were going together was cool.  They soon started to discuss this Life Group thing.  Now, this scared me!  All I could think of was uber religious people who would shove God down our throats.  I almost didn't sign up, but I did.  I was so nervous the first meeting.  To my surprise they were normal people.  A couple former Catholics in there too!  Really, just people like us.  Some in the same boat as us.  These people, over 6 weeks, became good friends to us.  This was my first "aha" God moment.  God knew we needed this group (and I mean all of us needed each other) he brought this particular group of people together for a reason.  It's the first time I ever remember feeling blessed by God.

So back to our meeting tonight.  It's our first since the holidays & we started a new lesson, I think it's called.  It's another 6 week course called "The Best Question Ever"  It's about asking yourself, when faced with a decision "Is it the Wise thing for me to do?"  Not whether it's ethical, legal, moral or harmful, but if it's wise.  The jury is still out if leaving the business in NJ behind & moving out here to Indy was wise...I think it is or will be in the long run anyway.  But that really isn't what I wanted to talk about.  In listening to the other members, hearing their struggles, hearing about God's intervention into their lives, listening to my husband voice his doubts & hopes, I felt a sort of peace.  First there was sadness, for all we've lost & given up & I struggled not to cry.  But then there was peace.  It was sort of like someone said to me "don't worry, I got this"  I have to have hope & faith through all this God does have it for us.  That He does have our back & will provide.  This message came through at the exact time I needed it to.   I have been praying nightly before I go to sleep, when all is quiet & there are no distractions.  Now I need to listen too

2nd Cardio & I kicked a$$!!

It's time for some Basketball!!

Download now or watch on posterous (2960 KB)

Todays Workout. Part 1

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Perfect way to end my night.

Keep On Keeping On

I'm not sleeping all that well these days. I hate that.  I'm one of those people who need 8+ hours a night or I can't function the next day!  I'm finding that I'm doing pretty well keeping the panic & worry at bay during the day.  My house is pretty darn clean these days Ignoring You  But nighttime is another story.  There doesn't seem to be a way to turn my brain off.  So I end up watching TV - so addicted to Strange Addictions, is that ironic or just sad? - or I read...a lot.  I re-read some of my favorite books, and curb the impulse to download new ones to my kindle.  I do that until I'm too exhausted to keep my eyes open a second longer.  Then I toss & turn all night long & wake up tired.  Ugly cycle I don't know how to stop.  I have a mantra that I've been repeating to myself.....Things Will Get Better

On another note I have this group of friends, well not friends exactly, I'm not really sure how to describe them.  Anyway, I'm finding myself to be less & less tolerant of them.  Maybe I was like them once upon a time, maybe that's why I'm feeling this way.  All I seem to hear is about what they buy, what they have, how much they have, how wonderful their lives are. Bitter, party on one??  Yea, maybe a bit.  Maybe more than a bit.  Was I like that?  Did I brag every time I got something new?  Did I flaunt my wealth?  Wealth really isn't the word I'm looking for, did I flaunt my well being, my good fortune?  I really don't think I did, well not a lot anyway.  I'm sure I did or it came off that way at times.  I am human after all.  I keep looking for lessons in this debacle, maybe that's one of them.  Life isn't about my Lululemon workout clothes or having a fitbit, like everyone else.  It isn't about what others have that I don't.  I need to get over my personal insecurities and learn to be happy for others happiness.  That's gonna take some work I think.

I think I might read my Kindle while I eat too often!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Once I was Lucky

At one time in my life I thought I was lucky.  I was lucky I had a great husband, who provided so well for us.  I was lucky I easily had 3 kids, 2 planned and the 3rd a happy surprise.  I was lucky I had a great house and new, top of the line cars to drive.  I was lucky I was able to pay the bills & buy, pretty much whatever I wanted, when I wanted it.  I was lucky I had friends & could help them out (sometimes finacially) when needed.  I was lucky I was a stay at home mom with no need to work.

Am I still lucky?  My husband has no job, no money coming in right now.  My great house was sold & now I live in a much smaller one.  We have 1 car now.  I can no longer pay bills, never mind buy anything extra at all.  The friends I thought I had, well, some of them don't keep in touch any more.  

I think I am still lucky. My husband & I love each other.  My kids are healthy & very happy.  I have a roof over my head ( I may not love this house, but I'm very grateful to have it) we have a car, it's a bit small for a family of 5, but it gets us around.  My real friends are still around.  I may not talk to them every day, but I know I can call anytime & they will be there for me as I am for them.  That's more than a lot of people have>

I have faith things will turn around for us.  I have faith that things will not be this awful forever.  I have faith that our lives will be back to my normal this year.  Well, my normal with some changes.  Applying the lessons I've learned through these past 9 months so we don't find ourselves back here.

I remember reading a book; I think it was called Swapping Lives by Jane Green.  In it one of the characters husbands loses his job & they end up having to sell everything & move in with her parents.  I remember thinking to myself, how awful that could totally happen to us.  But I didn't do a single thing to insure that it didn't happen.   Big. Mistake.  A mistake I won't repeat.  Lesson learned.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Spinning Wheels

So sad my Colts lost.  Blue We had great seats, right behind the goal post.  Jevvaris James hooked us up!  I didn't think either team played all that well, but it was fun.  I would've had more fun is my hubby wasn't trashed before the game even started!  I'm not a drinker & frankly don't understand the appeal.  I hate the way he acts when he's that gone.  Thankfully, it doesn't happen all that often.

Now we are left in limbo.  No job yet, I didn't expect one this quickly, but it's so hard to wait.  I am so tired of living this way.  Does it make me a bad person that I'd like to go into Target & buy stuff without stressing out.  Or to buy something, like a video game, just because I want it?  I am trying so hard to not worry & believe that God will provide what we need, but I'm a natural born worrier.  It's so hard to stop. 

I woke up in such a bad mood this morning.  I'm feeling angry, but not sure who or what I'm angry at.  I'm so frustrated.  It's been 9 months of this crap.  I think I miss the feeling of security more than anything else.  The knowing that the bills are paid & things won't be turned off.  I think the things that bother me the most involve the kids.  That I can't afford for Jax to go to pre-school when he so desperately needs it...or that both kids need eye exams and they both probably need new glasses & we can't afford it.  I feel like such a failure when it comes to them.  

On the upside, I've been doing well on WW & with my workouts.  I got my 6 cardio workouts last week and 2 lifts.  And I lost 1.6 lbs.  It's a start.  Need to get 3 lifts in this week...that's my goal for the week.  Wish me luck! Fingers Crossed